The Presence of Chaos

Since my return home I have been surprised at this simple fact. It was easier to be “present” amidst the chaos of Kampala than it is while sitting on the beach of San Diego. Call me crazy… But hear me out!

When sitting on the beach, looking out over the ocean, watching the sunset, I am 100% content. There is not much that I love more than my feet in the sand, music in my ears, journal in my lap, and the waves in front of me. It instantly makes me feel at peace! But that doesn’t always mean my mind is present. Yes I am enjoying everything in front of me but simultaneously my mind is racing. My mind often thinks of recent memories from the past or drifts off into the future. Next thing I know I am off in some fantasy far from where I am at that moment… See? Not so present.

Now on to my point. You try running across a street with 14 taxis, 4 buses, 89 boda bodas, and 64 cars coming at you in no structured fashion with the mindset “right of way goes to the bigger and faster” while thinking of anything but the present moment… Impossible! In Uganda I was forced to think solely about where my foot was going to be placed next and if it was in the direct path of a speeding vehicle. Chaos gave me no choice but to be in the now. It was about life or death here people!

With that said I am trying to train my mind to be able to be present always. A close friend deserves nothing less than your full presence when sitting on the couch together, a patient deserves nothing less than both my mind and my body focused at the task, and I deserve nothing less than to allow myself to live for today… Not tomorrow… And surely not yesterday.

So I will leave you with a question. If A=B and B=C then A=C is true. And if meditation is the act of being fully present, and as I was running across the streets of Kampala I was fully present (again it was life or death), does that mean I was meditating while nearly missing oncoming traffic?

Return of the jet lag

I am back. I am here. I am in San Diego, California attempting to pick up where I left off. I have returned to watching the sunsets from the beach, paddling around the water with dolphins, eating sushi, working as a physical therapist, laughing with friends, taking warm showers. I have departed from the amazing village of men, women, and children who are fighters and arrived back to the Western culture… I think this feeling is called “reverse culture shock”. Its no joke!

My acclimation back to the US has been more difficult that I had anticipated. Many have told me that the reverse shock is usually worse than the initial culture shock but I, for some reason, didn’t believe them. I have traveled since I was a child, spent quite some time in third world countries, been away from the US for months at a time and always had an easy time readjusting when I returned. This time… Not so much.

Reverse culture shock had included the following: social anxiety, stomach pain, forgetting how to properly follow traffic signals (stopping at a green light for 5 min), feeling helpless, and the desire to be jammed into an uncomfortably crowded taxi on my way to Kampala. I am missing what I thought I never would.

I am unsure if it is due to the relationships that I made in the village, the feeling of owing them something, the desire to continue what I had started, or the simple fact that I had gotten used to living the simple life but my return back was full of uncertainty and the feeling of being overwhelmed.

I feel pulled in two opposite directions. I have felt this way before but now it is compounded by 10. The two directions are as follows.

1. Since I was a young child I have always valued my family. I have felt beyond grateful for the structure that I have been brought up in, the love that I am constantly surrounded by, and the fun that we are able to share. I have always loved the deep roots that I come from and have been excited to create roots of my own. I get excited thinking of that grounded feeling and beginning to settle. Deep down I am a “home body” who loves to snuggle by the fire with those I love and a glass of wine.

Now on to the opposite direction…

2. A feeling that is growing stronger and stronger inside of me is the desire and need to reach out. I am realizing the importance of learning about all that is out there… Acknowledging that we share the same earth, many of the same desires, and enjoy love, laughter, and companionship. I understand that I have been part of a small percentage who have lived a life of luxury and want to reach out to the majority. I want to learn of other cultures, challenge myself and my body, and speak out for those without a voice! There is so much to learn and I don’t want to miss a lesson. Each person has a story, each country has a history, and each culture has something to believe in.

So where do I go from here?

As my blog says, the best thing I can do is be present. Take life day by day. Try not to get too ahead of myself yet never stop reaching for my goals. I believe (and hope) that there is a balance between direction 1 and 2. I do not know where I will be next year but I do know that by living day by day I will find a way there… Wherever “there” is.

So again, here I am. Slowly adjusting back to the time change, the organization, the instant gratification. I am happy, because there is no other way to live life. I am surrounded by beauty, nature, friends, and good music. I will continue to reach in both directions and take all of the lessons I have learned and continue to search for more lessons to be learn. I am here.

Although my life in Africa has come to an end (for now) I will attempt to continue to blog about the present life I am living.

This is my Home

This Is My Home

This is the place that I have returned to at night for shelter, for safety, for rest. This is my protection of malaria, my pillow, my bed, my serene place. This is where bats live in the attic, wasps make their mud homes on the walls, snizards climb on the ceiling, and insects crawl on the floor. This is where I can write, think, cry, imagine, dream, work, plan, sleep. This is my room.

These are the ones I live with. The group I have breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner with. The ones that I turn to for questions, interpretation, cultural assistance, and help. These are the boys that I sit at a table multiple times a day with to brainstorm and determine the best way to better this community. These are the ones I laugh with, dance with, listen to music with, walk with, talk with, and joke around with. These are the ones that cook for me, drive me where I need to go, and keep me company. This is my family.

This is where doctors, nurses, lab technicians, and others spend their days assisting the beautiful people of Kankobe and the surrounding villages. This is where important health education is given, immunizations are administered, IV’s, medication, care, compassion, love are given. This is were people come to be cured from life threatening illnesses which seem so basic to the Western world. This is where tears are shed, questions are answered, and lives saved. This is the Donna Carnevale Medical Centre and soon to be Maternity Ward.

These are the doctors, nurses, employees that have put their heart into this community. These are the people that work 7days a week at a small, rural medical center. These are those who wake up in the middle of the night to a knock on the door from a neighbor in need. These are the ones who care, assist, and help their community both at the medical center and on outreaches. These are the ones sacrificing for the better of those around them. These are the employees of the Donna Carnevale Medical Centre.

This is where I have watched my neighbors wake up with the sun and head to the fields to work grueling hours just to have enough food to eat and enough money to barely get by. This is where the blisters are started, the calluses are made, the backs break, the sweat drips, the plants grow. This is where the most fertile ground lies to feed an entire community and more. This is where the cows and goats graze and the banana trees blow in the wind. This is where some of the most amazing sunsets are found. Here the moon is the brightest, the stars are abundant, and the sun is strong. This is where garbage litters the ground, ant hills are the size of an adolescent elephant, and ant roads more sophisticated than city roads cross the path. This is were rolling, green hills meet an abundant lake. This is where the rain falls daily and music plays weekly. This is the land of my village.

This is the place that the village gets their water. This is the landing site where the fisherman spend from 5pm to 5am on a small wooden boat to fish enough to feed their families. This is where the water is fetched for drinking, cooking, bathing. This is where the parasite Biharzia lives, swimming through your skin, targeting your liver and intestines and affecting many of the children. This is where the children swim, laugh, play, and perform their chores of fetching water and sticks for fire. This is Lake Victoria.

This is the building of education. The secondary school where many children attend to develop their minds. This is where there are 150 students in the freshman class and 15 in the senior class. This is where they cram 80 students into a classroom with 1 teacher to learn about History, Science, English, Math, Geography. This is where I taught career guidance, trying to give these beautiful children hope for a future. This is where I attempted to fight the vicious cycle of rural, village life, battle lack of school fees and inspire to continue education or a passion… Somehow. This is where physical punishment on a student is acceptable and me walking out on the school changed nothing. This is where children are just like at my school, clicks, couples, friends, gossip, teams, and comradery. This is St. Francis Secondary School.

These are the people of this village. The fighters that generation to generation are able to beat the odds. These are the ones that work 7 days a week, 14 hour days just to get by. These are the faces that smile at a “Mzungu”, laugh, hug, and hold hands. These are the bodies that are fighting HIV/AIDS, Malaria, diarrhea, pneumonia, worms, parasites, and infection. These are the stomachs that are hungry and the muscles that are tired. These are the supporters and the backbone to the community. These are the mothers, fathers, grandparents, boda-boda drivers, farmers, fisherman, teachers, cooks, leaders, and fighters. These are my neighbors.

These are who make me smile every day. The ones that greet me in the morning and on my walks. Who hold my hand when I am walking alone. These are the producers of the best medicine… Laughter. They make me smile, entertain me, love me, laugh at me, and who I will never allow to leave my heart. These are the children who take care of their siblings at the age of 6, have running noses, skin infections, cook for their family, walk to school alone, work on the weekends, pay their own elementary school fees, play futbol every night, and still, no matter what, smile. These are the ones who walk bare foot down the dirt paths, run naked in the streets, play futbol matches with no shin guards or shoes, and kick around a ball made of plastic wrapped with banana leaves. These are the most beautiful faces, sincere smiles, and yearning looks. These are my heart here. These are the children around me.

This is place that I have come to. The community that I quit my job and left my friends to join. The place that has taught me about the tough life, the simple life, the natural life. This is where I have grown as a person and a friend to myself and those around me. This is the place that I am proud of and will continue to watch develop at its own speed. This is where I have made unforgettable memories, unbreakable friendships, and seen incredible creatures. This is the place that will always hold a piece of my heart. This is Kankobe Village, Uganda, Africa. This is my home.

Reaching out

Being a small medical centre in rural Uganda we face difficulties of accessibility and lack of education or understanding about healthcare. Our team at the Donna Carnevale Medical Centre is committed to providing the best medical care to ALL needing it in Kankobe Village and many of the surrounding villages. To do this we must not only sit back and wait for those to come to us but we must also use our resources to reach out to those in need! After having countless meetings with village health leaders from 14 of the surrounding villages we have begun a program to visit each village and complete an outreach based in the individual needs of the village. To date we have had 2 very successful outreaches

Outreach #1 March 27, 2013
Village: Kazi (about 20 min walk from the medical centre)
Focus: Free HIV/AIDS testing, counseling, treatment, and education

Due to the close proximity to the water, the transient lifestyle of the fisherman, the lack of knowledge about HIV, and the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Africa we were asked to come to Kazi to provide free testing, counseling, education, and treatment for HIV/AIDS. After 3 village health leaders assisted with mobilizing the community (one with a megaphone and his bike) and 6 hours on site with our nurse, lab technician, outreach administrators, and a few volunteers we were able to test 66 villagers for HIV and educate many more. During the time of blood draws and waiting for the test results individuals were counseled on transmission, prevention, and treatment as well as given the opportunity to ask the medical staff questions and receive free condoms. Due to some of our lack of the Luganda Language we assisted with what we could and then played with the local kids (typical). Those who got tested ranged from children whose parents were infected with the virus to elders. Although sadly there were a few who did in fact test positive, we feel that by this early detection they will be able to continue to live happy and healthy lives in the future. I continue to believe that education, education, education is a key ingredient in prevention and decreasing the prevalence of this disease and many others this community face.

The Boda Boda ride with the driver, me, Agatha, and Johannes heading over to the outreach site. Yes, we are all on 1 moto!

Some of the villagers waiting to get tested.

Two negative and one positive test.

Outreach #2 April 18th, 2013
Village: Bukibira
Focus: Family Planning (education and administration of birth control)

We partnered with Blue Star, an organization that assists clinics and medical centers with birth control methods and education, to hold an outreach that focused on family planning, birth control, and education regarding family size. As part of the partnership, Blue Star uses their truck and megaphone to inform many of the surrounding villages about the medical centre, our services, and our family planning outreach. Due to an unforseen circumstance Blue Star was unable to bring the usual 2 employees to assist with the driving of the truck and the talking over the loud speaker so the search began for a driver. After looking high and low for someone who was able to drive this massive, manual, beast of a truck the search ended with the Mzungu girl… Me! I had the honors of navigating a big 4 wheel drive pick up truck through “roads” which are foot paths and motorcycle paths leading from house to house, during the rainy season, without hitting any children running towards the car. This sure was an interesting 4 hour long drive being chased by 50 kids yelling “Mzungu!” All in all we we able to reach many (without hitting a child or livestock), spread knowledge about our services, and counsel and treat 15 women about family planning.

Me and my truck! (Ohh and I had to get used to steering wheel on the right side)

The children chasing after the truck.

We will continue to reach out to as many people as we can. 2 outreaches down, many more to go!

False sense of security!

A mosquito net…

To me my mosquito net is equivalent to a 60 foot cement fortress, manned by a troop of armed navy seals, surrounded by a mote, on a island, with sharks swimming around, 128 miles from the nearest person. It makes me feel damn safe. From day 1 this mosquito net has protected me from malaria, from the many snizards trying to tickle my feet(by the way I have used the word snizard enough that my computer just auto-corrected my spelling… Win!), from the wasps making houses on my walls, and from the few bats that have made their way into my room. Pretty much I feel that this net could save me from anything. Until… Something is trapped INSIDE the net with you. When there is something in the net this darn thing becomes an obstacle between you and safety. And the role of protector quickly changes to the captor! Instead of being a barrier from the scary things it becomes a cage holding the scary thing close to you. No bueno!

Since moving here I have been pretty diligent about properly tucking my mosquito net into the mattress at all times but some sneaky little creatures are, well, sneaky. Last night I was stuck in the net with a mosquito for about 2 hours. You may say that it’s just a little mosquito but when that little mosquito carries the leading cause of death in Uganda it doesn’t just seem like a little mosquito anymore.

After frantically flopping my arms around and using my headlamp to search and destroy I finally found the little guy and did what a good buddhist would do, shooed him out from under my mosquito net some can still buzz in my ear, but with a impenetrable (kind of) barrier between us. Goodnight!

Far from home

Yes home is where the heart is. And happily I have really seemed to make this place my home. When talking to people I tell them about my village, my room, where I live. I have taken on Kankobe Village as my home in the same way I have taken on Florida, NY, Charleston, Boston, San Diego, and Uruguay. I feel proud walking down to the lake or working in the medical center knowing that this beautiful area is where I live right now. I knew from the beginning that I would miss my friends and family at home but I also knew I would gain new friends and family here, and I sure have. I have made new relationships here that seem unbreakable and only add to my already amazing life!

With that said there still are those times when I begin to be reminded of the distance. I notice the minimal communication I can have with my family, the few phone calls, the patchy internet, the lack of seeing those I love, and the greatly missed hugs and warm embraces that you can only get from those close to you! After finally getting onto facebook last night I began reading posts that read “my heart is with Boston”, “sad for the lives lost in Boston”, “cant believe this could happen”, And so began my full out panic. With slower than slow internet I frantically tried to look up what the heck had happened to Boston? Who was hurt? where was my family? How were my friends? Nobody in Uganda could give me answers and for 15 minutes I was beside myself with unanswered questions, the worst internet connection possible, and a heavy heart. My mind quickly went back to the morning of September 11, 2001 when by brother and I sat in an office at our boarding school frantically trying to get a hold of our parents, unsure if our dad was in the city at that time. The Unknown is a scary place!

Now it was Boston. A city that was my home for 6 years, that I grew up visiting, where my family lives, friends live, a city close to my heart. What was going on? I suddenly felt the distance more than ever before. I felt each mile between us, I felt the vastness of the Atlantic Ocean, I felt across the world (well I am across the world), I felt far from home. After hitting refresh 764,592 times, shaking my computer, and talking to the internet as if it had ears I was finally able to read about the bombs that went off during the Boston Marathon and get in touch with a few of my friends and family to ease my heart a bit. From what it seems those close to me were lucky and all seem safe but I am still saddened for those individuals and their loved ones who lost their lives.

In all of the sadness, fear, anger, heart ache I found this quote to make me feel a bit of gratitude.

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’

– Mr. Rogers

Lets try to focus on those helping and the strength of the people if we unite and love each other! Know that I am thinking of everyone at home a little bit extra tonight.

Mama always said “eat your greens!”

Since I arrived in Kankobe Village my diet has changed drastically. My usual salad, greens, veggies, fruits have been replaced by matoke, starch, carbs, rice, matoke, pasta, carbs, starch, potatoes, matoke, matoke, and rice. The fact that I am currently battling the flu plus the fact that I am at net -8364 for my needed daily veggie intake meant that I got quite excited today when my lunch plate was brought to me with matoke, beans, a slice of avocado, and a big pile of greens. Yessss!!!!!

Upon further investigation I realized that these weren’t the usual green beans and they definitely weren’t spinach but in dire situations a green is a green and so questions are held quiet. After 1 bite of these crunchy “greens” I noticed a distinct pattern on each green bean. The pattern was 2 black dots on one end… Oh shoot… I think those were eyes. Ok now I had questions but with no one around I was limited to my knowledge of human anatomy and my love of nature. It could be little fish, shimps, or cray fish little guys but the fishy taste didn’t seem to be there. What was there was quite a crutch and a taste of salt.

In walks Moses “how do you like the grasshoppers?”

“Oh, that answers my question”

First insect lunch down… Hopefully not many more to go

Something about an African Sky!

Can’t beat getting to see a sunset like this every night! Never the same but always impressive.

Photo credit to Lola and Johannes for some of the pictures.

Still learning part 3

1. Bunnies are not animals to be named after me… “Kennedy” is on vacation (although Miah says she died) and the new baby bunny that was bought on Easter “K2” is M.I.A since I have returned from Rwanda.

2. Chocolate in the morning is 100% acceptable as long as it is put on toast or in your coffee.

3. When sitting in between shelves in a land cruiser while off roading through rural villages, it is advisable to wear a helmet, elbow pads, wrist guards, and wedge yourself in with pillows.

4. If you don’t follow advise from #3 you may end up with a few bruises.

5. If you are cooking vegetable curry and you run out of curry, take every spice and seasoning you can find and mix them together.

6. When there is a hole in a boat toilet paper does not help.

7. If it is raining outside and you are on a bus from Rwanda to Uganda it may also be raining inside the bus too.

8. Slack lining is fun for everyone.

9.When you leave your room for a week the snizzard, bats, and bugs throw a party.

1,000 hills and 1,000,000 smiles

Crossing the boarder into Rwanda was quick, free, and organized. Yes, I said organized. Four of us, Johannes, Josef, Pim, and I, fit like Tetris in Johannes and Josef’s land cruiser. Through the tinted windows and high shelves I could see a glance of the immensely green rolling hills that make up Rwanda.

This is how you travel when you hitch a ride with 2 wonderful Germans in their land cruiser that is equipped for their drive from Germany to South Africa.

Genocide:
Johannes, Josef, Pim and I arrived in Rwanda just in time for the 19th anniversary of the Tutsi and moderate Hutu genocide throughout Rwanda. We made it our goal to pay tribute to all those who had lost their lives and we visited numerous memorials, mass graves, sites of massacres, and museums. Upon entering the first memorial which was a church where tens of thousands had seeked shelter and none had survived, couldn’t help being overcome by sadness and horror. In
front of me were all of the clothes from all of the victims. The roof still had the holes from the thousands of bullets and the sculls of hundreds and bones of thousands lay before me. After emotionally exhausting ourselves while visiting all sites we could we returned to the hostel to sleep before the Walk to Remember the following day. The Walk to Remember was amazing to see the masses of people that came to honor their country. Men, women, children, students, Rwandans, Mzungus came and gathered at the parliament before walking to the olympic stadium where there a ceremony in remembrance.

The number of lives lost is inconceivable to me, how split the nation had become is unthinkable, but most importantly how Rwanda has united is nothing but inspiring. There is no talk of Hutu or Tutsi and although at times I struggled to think that many people walking around me had participated in the mass killings I had to stop myself and realize that there was much more behind the genocide than cold blooded murder. At the Kigali Genocide Museum where I spent about 5 hours reading every text, listening to every audio, and analyzing every picture, I learned about so much more than deaths. I learned about much of what led to this rapid division in a country that had happily lived together for centuries prior to 1994. I learned of the strength of manipulation, fear, and the desire for power. After going through all of the information about Rwanda before, during, and after I made my way upstairs to all of the rooms which briefly discussed other genocides from around the world. The Balkans, Germany, Namibia, Syria, Cambodia, and so many more. All due to power and control.

“The day the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” -Ghandi

After spending much time in Kigali and around the surrounding areas the fearsome foursome packed back into the car to see the rural areas and Lake Kivu. Driving through Rwanda sure is easy on the eyes but may be a little difficult on the back due to rainy season mixed with minimally driven dirt roads. Thank goodness for our land cruiser equipped with 4 wheel drive, metal plates to assist others who have gotten stuck, GPS to find another route due to a collapsed bridge, and one amazingly safe off road driver!

Lake Kivu is BEAUTiful! Besides the fear of dying a slow death from the CO2 that is released from the lake at times and the minor discomfort being in sight of the Democratic Republic of Congo the view is from a movie. Johannes, Pim and I woke up with our mind set on taking a small wooden boat and paddling to a seemingly deserted island for a snack and some slack lining. We inquired about the cost of the boat (free you’ll understand why shortly), packed a mango, bread, honey, nutella, and some juice, grabbed the slack line and were on our way… Well… Almost. Upon reaching our wooden boat we found a bit of water in the bottom that gracefully flowed in and out with the waves. “Umm boys, the weather doesn’t look great and the boat seems to be no safer than paddling while sitting in a strainer.” The boys ignored my voice of reason and began bailing out the boat-ish piece of wood. Once the bailing was done they put on their life vests, packed up the boat-ish thing, and gave me the look. “Don’t worry… The hole is stuffed with toilet paper!” Awesome! Since I didn’t see any crocs and my life vest was bright enough to be seen from the US i climbed on board (or climbed on the board). Johannes sat in the back with a 1/2 paddle, Pim in the front with a paddle with half a handle, and me in the middle with a cut jug. Yep… To constantly bail the boat-ish thing. After reaching the middle point of our journey and almost dropping the bail jug twice I tightened my grip and realized the lives of Johannes, Pim, and myself lay in my hands so I increased my bailing frequency and continued on. About 10 meters from the island paradise a man in a wooden boat with only a smaller hole in it and a full paddle came up to us and told us to switch boats. “Now? Right here only 30 feet from out destination?” Yep. So we complied and sketchily began transferring our food, camera, slack line, and selves from a rapidly sinking boat to a less rapidly and more tippy sinking boat.

We safely reached the island, set up the food and slack line and spent the entire day relaxing while my accident prone self attempted to walk across a 1 inch line suspended 4 feet off of the ground. No broken bones… This time! The day ended with a bit of rain (I think I am now a professional at bailing out water) and a ridiculously beautiful rainbow.

Pim and I are now back at home in Uganda and Johannes and Josef are continuing their journey south. Pim and I had a fairly uneventful 10 bus ride until we missed our tiny village due to the fact that was 4:00 am, pouring rain, and the windows were foggy. We got dropped off at the next village and in retrospect were a bit naive when deciding what bus to take. Two Mzungus dropped off at 4:00 am on the side of the road in rural Africa is not a safe mixture. After standing by the only light and open store (liquor store) for 40 min our trusted boda boda driver arrived to drive us home in the pouring rain and dark night.

I am now on few hours of sleep and changing my focus from vacation to back to the medical centre and maternity ward. I am back to the quiet, slow life, familiar faces, kind of familiar language, and the beautiful Lake Victoria.